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A friend told me about a car accident involving K (my Ex). I shouldn't be feeling this, but I was  worried. She saw the details on his Facebook account. (Oh yes, I no longer follow his account. I already hid all his notifications and posts so I may not be able to see any of his updates in my timeline) I asked her about the details, she mentioned that the car was damaged but K seems to be fine. Not even critical or dying. I faked a laugh.

O yes, after what happened, I should be thinking that this is the bad karma getting on him. But no! I don't want karma or revenge. I wanted him to be at peace and to be safe always. You may think that I still love him, but like what I said before, it’s already a different kind of love. Besides, we have been living together under the same roof for two years. I think it’s normal for me to at least worry about him even if we had parted ways already. 

And so I asked my friend if I should at least send him a message. She immediately said no since he seems to be okay and not in critical condition. I agreed with her and ignored the idea of sending a mail.

But knowing how twisted my mind is, right after doing some paper works. I drafted my email to him. And after reading it for more than five times, I pressed the 'Send' button. There goes the stupid me again.

No worries, I am not expecting a reply.

Cheers.

'E-pill' Thoughts 1

I went home feeling a big hole in my chest. Yes. Hollow. I felt alone. Solidarity wasn’t my friend today. He turned his back on me and is my enemy since noon. I don’t know what triggered this emotion. Was it my medications? No. I don’t think so. I know that my medications never triggered any of it. It was just me and my mind and my god damn emotions.

And now, to force myself to sleep, to avoid over thinking and insomnia, I did what isn’t to be done. I took the last pill of the day just before eating. (The pill that shouldn’t be mixed with food or else you’ll feel the full side effects of it) And just one hour after ingesting it, I’m feeling numbness again. I’m feeling the heat at the back of my eyes and over my nape. Everything is starting to feel cloudy. Everything is moving around me. And in a few minutes from now, I know I’ll be with my vivid dreams again. Hopefully I’ll have a good one tonight. 

Hopefully I’ll be with someone special even in my dreams.

And everything is moving in motion now

Everything was purposely done

To let every emotion drown in to that city

Where dreams are almost realities

Possibilities are aver changing

Ends shall be nothing 

H: Chicken-in-me

‘H’ is someone special. We met years ago and had an intimate sexual relationship. But it had to stop because I met K. H and I met again after K and I broke up. And we started our sexual intimacy again. What we have was not a relationship. He has a kiddo but is already separated. We often see each other, just for sex and a little chit chat. Until one time, H mentioned that I was the only person he is having an affair right now. But he doesn’t want to brand what we have. He is not capable of starting a relationship since his only focus for now is his kid and his business. But he often says he likes me. Likes me a lot, to a point he thinks he love me. But then again, I am hesitant.

He called earlier, he says he misses me. I guess I miss him as well. But if ever I’ll do it again with him, I guess I want it to be different from what our status was before.

H:  Namimiss na kita ng sobra. Tagal mong ‘di nagpaparamdam sa akin. Ako parati nauuna magparamdam.

Me: A. Sorry. Busy e. Saka galling ako ng mga out of town activities. Saka ayos lang yun, di naman tayo e.

H: Ikaw na napakabusy parati. Di tayo kasi diba nireject mo na ako?

Me: Nireject? Kelan yun?

H: Dati, nung muntik ng may mangyaring masama sa akin kasi di ko maintindihan gusto mo. Di mo ako sineseryoso tuwing sinasabi ko sayo nararamdaman ko.

Me: Huh?! 

H:  Basta, ikaw may ayaw noon. Pero sobrang gustong gusto kita. Ikaw lang naman ang may ayaw. 

Me: A. Naalala ko na. E kasi naman, di ko alam kung kelan ka seryoso, saka wala kaya akong ibang alam sayo bukod sa first name mo at trabaho mo. Sa phone ko nga e nagimbento nalang ako ng surname mo e.

H: This time malalaman mo na lahat. Ako kaya, memorize ko na number mo 0906-5****** Kaya kahit anong phone gamit ko alam ko kung paano kita macontact. 

Me: Wow! Last time na may memorize ng number ko e yung ex ko

H: Di mo pa naman ako ex e. Di mo ko magiging ex.

I guess something’s wrong in me. Why do I always chicken out when someone tries to be intimate with me? I don’t know. I’m sorry H. I know you won’t be able to read this. But I really like you. It’s just, I can’t right now. Not when I know you have to focus with your business and your kiddos studies. Besides, you have no idea about my real status. I’m not even sure if you can accept it. I never want to ruin your big dreams.

Feeling Papa Jack

Paano magmahal gamit ang limang simpleng paraan?

1. Mahalin mo ang Diyos mo.

Panatilihin ang matibay na pundasyon sa Diyos. Anumang relihiyon ang meron kayo basta tandaan niyo palaging may Diyos at galangin niyo siya. Magsimba o di kaya'y magdasal ng sabay. Humingi parati ng pasasalamat sa kanya sa relasyong ipinagkaloob niya sa iyo. Huwag mo siyang kalilimutan. Aminin na natin na kadalasan kapag may dyowa ka na e limot na bigla ang pagsisimba kay Lord makasama lamang ang dyowa. Huwag ganun. Di'ba nung wala ka pang dyowa e parati ka rin namang humihiling ng maayos na dyowa kay Lord. Isama natin si Lord parati. Matuto kang magtiwala sa kanya.

2. Mahalin mo ang sarili mo.

Ayusin mo ang iyong sarili. Pisikal. Emosyonal. Ispiritwal. Pinansyal. Ibalanse mo lahat ng aspeto. Para kapag nabigo ka e maayos ya parin. Wag kang magmamahal ng hindi ka maayos o yung tipong aayusin ka pa ng susunod na magmamahal sa iyo. Oras na umasa kang may ibang aayos sayo, maaring iwanan ka ng taong umayos na sa iyo or may makita kang iba kapag maayos ka na. O di kaya'y magsawa ang taong pilit kang inaayos. Basta, bottom line, wag mag papaayos sa iba, kasi pag iniwan ka muli, wasak ka naman at di mo pa din alam ayusin ang sarili mo.

3. Mahalin mo ang pamilya mo.

Huwag mong kalilimutang may pamilya kang tunay at lubos na nagmamahal sa iyo bago mo pa makilala ang irog mo. Huwag mo silang kalilimutan dahil masaya ka na. Bagkus, isama mo ang pamilya mo sa pagmamahalan ninyo. Para may pundasyon. Iyon nga lang, may downside ito kung maghiwalay kayo kasi hahanap hanapin siya sa inyo. Pero pakatandaan na ang pinakamahalagang pagmamahal parin ay ang ang pagmamahal ng pamilya. Sila ang daramay sa iyo ano man ang kahinatnatan ng relasyon mo. *Maaring isama na sa depinisyon ng pamilya ang matatalik na kaibigan*

4. Matutong makinig at umunawa.

Ika nga e two-way palagi ang relasyon. Huwag magpataasan ng ihi. Ayusin ang problema bago pa man lumubog ang araw. Iwasan ang palagiang pag-'nag' sa isa't isa. Isipin palagi na hindi na puro 'ako' ang relasyon kung hindi 'tayo'.

5. Matutong magparaya.

Maari itong gamitin sa iba't ibang paraan. 

Una, sa pagdedesisisyon ninyong dalawa. Di palaging si 'ikaw' o si 'siya' ang masusunod. Dapat maging patas at magparaya sa mga desisyon na tatahakin ninyong dalawa bilang kayo ngayon ay iisa na.

Pangalawa, Pagpaparaya sa paraang pamamaalam sa relasyon. Bagamat naniniwala ako sa kasabihang 'Breaking up should never be an option'. Minsan may exceptions padin. Kahit na gaano mo kamahal ang isang tao, may pagkakataong kailangan itong gawin upang isalba ang pagkatao ninyong dalawa. Magparaya lalo na kung di na kayang ayusin. Huwag ng pilitin. 

Pakatandaan na nariyan ang Diyos at Pamilya mo parati sa Sarili mo! Kaya nga nauna ang tatlong iyan sa mga dapat mong mahalin! Napakahalaga nila upang magsimulang muli. Upang buuin ang sarili.

Cheers!