Adulting

People say the hardest part of adulting is just moving out from your parent's house and starting to be independent. Others say that finding your ultimate reason and knowing where you are heading to is twice as hard as the first one. This maybe true to many, but I guess it's just the result of a deeper dillemma. 

Today's society revolve around being accepted. Being able to fit in the norms set by most people even though these perceptions does not fit us all. Picture yourself as a new employee, trying to fit in; until one day, you'd realize that you don't know who you really are. You lost your identity and was eaten up by a system of suiting up an armour just to blend with others. This I guess is the problem.

Looking back, I've learned that the hardest part of being an adult is accepting who you really are and not trying to change yourself just to please what other people wants to see from you. Each of us is unique and in no way the same with the other. I guess the key in adulting is being yourself. Being confident despite the flaws that life smouldered you with. Accepting yourself and ultimately forgiving what you have done with your past is what we all need right now. And once you're able to do it, you'd be confident enough to show others who you really are. 

I am. Not what others see. I am. Just me. 

Misteryo ng Apat (Four-some!)

1. Apat na taon na mula sa araw na ito ng malaman kong isa akong superhuman. Isang mutant at ganap na karakter sa Xmen. Pangarap kong maging si Beast dati. Di para maging yummy na borta, kundi para makatuklas ng bagay na ikasasalba naming mga mutant. Pero ngayon, tanggap ko na ‘di ako kailanman magiging si Beast. Di ko kayang magpaka-borta at ni wala ako sa kalingkinan ng katalinuhan niya. Ang natatanging pangarap ko na lang ay maging si Charles Xavier, yung magtatayo ng foundation para sa mga tulad kong Xmen especially sa tumatandang mag-isa at wala ng pamilya. Kaso magpapayaman muna ako para matupad ko ‘to.  Ngayon, bilang di ko pa kayang maging si Beast at Charles Xavier, si Jean Grey na lang muna ako. Sexy at hot. Handang ma-reborn ng paulit ulit. Laban lang ng laban!

2. Pang-apat. Ikaw ang pang-apat na lalake sa buhay ko. Pang-apat na kabiyak ko. Pang-apat na taong pinagkatiwalaan ko ng puso. Sa kabilang banda, ako rin ang iyong pang-apat. Pang-apat na mangingibig. Pang-apat na pinaglaanan ng tiwala at puso. Sabi mo nga, lagpas apat na taon kang walang kabiyak at lagpas apat na taon kang naghintay na may dumating sa buhay mo. Taong 2012 tayo unang nagkakilala, taong 2016 tayo nagka-igihan at lumalim ang pagkakakilanlan. Apat na taon ang hinintay natin bago tayo pagbigyan ng universe na magkadaupang palad muli. Kaya ang hiling ko ngayon kay bathala, sana swertehin tayo sa pang-apat. Sana ang apat ay maging huli na natin para sa isa’t isa.

3. Apat na buwan ng nakalilipas mula ng huli tayong nagkita. Kung sakasakali, apat na buwan pa mula ngayong araw na ito bago tayo muling magkikita at magkakasama. Hindi madali ang mayroon tayo ngayon. Milya milya ang layo natin sa isa’t isa. Eight hour difference. Sabi nga ni Jireh “dito ay umaga, diyan ay gabi; oras natin ay magkasalungat”. Pinagusapan at pinag-isipan naman nating mabuti itong uri ng relasyon na papasukin natin. Bukod sa sero-discordant e idagdag mo pa ang LDR. Double whammy! Pag sini-swerte nga naman. Kung hindi lamang sana nagka-aberya ang mga papeles ko e makakasunod na ako sayo next month. Pero mukhang kailangan pa natin maghintay ng kaunting panahon pa bago maayos ang mga bagay bagay. Sinusubok tayo ng tadhana, pero alam nating dalawa na maiaayos natin ito. Na ibibigay sa atin ito. Huwag ka sanang sumuko. Malampasan sana natin ang lahat. Matiyaga akong maghihintay na matapos ang nalalabing apat na buwan upang kita’y muling makasama.

4. Apat na beses kong nakita ang mga katagang “Do not quit. You are almost there”. Apat na beses mula sa iba’t ibang platform sa magkakaibang lugar ngayong araw. Una sa LRT-2 Katipunan. Pangalawa sa may Gilmore. Pangatlo at pang-apat sa twitter, sa magkaiba kong account (sila yung unang bumungad sa akin). Nung una at pangalawang beses ko ‘tong nakita, bumulong ako agad sa langit na pag nakita ko ito sa pang-apat na pagkakataon hanggang mamaya e may gusto ko pang iparating sa akin. Na badya mong gulong gulo ang utak ko ngayon at pinanghihinaan na ako ng loob pero di ako pwede sumuko. Na magiging ayos rin ang lahat. Well, well, well, mukhang napalakas ang bulong ko at narinig mo nga. Voila! Nahawi ang ulap at may tumanglaw na liwanag at sa pang-apat na pagkakataon ngayong araw, bubulong ako sayo ng Salamat!

PS

Ang haba nito para sa unang post ko mula noong huli! It's nice to be back!

Tarot Card Reading

Though I don't really believe in those type of readings, but out of curiosity, I gave in to it. 

And what's funny is that in every reading, even with my follow up question, one thing has been showing up constantly.

Love.

It has emerged several times. How it will hurt me yet, how I will still be passionate about it amidst everything.

'No matter what pain, what obstacles may come your way, one thing is certain. The only power that can yield you.. is Love. The very essence of it is the only one powerful enough to make you go down on your knees'

I'll have a reading again sometime soon. Let's see if it will be the same.

Cheers!

News

A friend told me about a car accident involving K (my Ex). I shouldn't be feeling this, but I was  worried. She saw the details on his Facebook account. (Oh yes, I no longer follow his account. I already hid all his notifications and posts so I may not be able to see any of his updates in my timeline) I asked her about the details, she mentioned that the car was damaged but K seems to be fine. Not even critical or dying. I faked a laugh.

O yes, after what happened, I should be thinking that this is the bad karma getting on him. But no! I don't want karma or revenge. I wanted him to be at peace and to be safe always. You may think that I still love him, but like what I said before, it’s already a different kind of love. Besides, we have been living together under the same roof for two years. I think it’s normal for me to at least worry about him even if we had parted ways already. 

And so I asked my friend if I should at least send him a message. She immediately said no since he seems to be okay and not in critical condition. I agreed with her and ignored the idea of sending a mail.

But knowing how twisted my mind is, right after doing some paper works. I drafted my email to him. And after reading it for more than five times, I pressed the 'Send' button. There goes the stupid me again.

No worries, I am not expecting a reply.

Cheers.

'E-pill' Thoughts 1

I went home feeling a big hole in my chest. Yes. Hollow. I felt alone. Solidarity wasn’t my friend today. He turned his back on me and is my enemy since noon. I don’t know what triggered this emotion. Was it my medications? No. I don’t think so. I know that my medications never triggered any of it. It was just me and my mind and my god damn emotions.

And now, to force myself to sleep, to avoid over thinking and insomnia, I did what isn’t to be done. I took the last pill of the day just before eating. (The pill that shouldn’t be mixed with food or else you’ll feel the full side effects of it) And just one hour after ingesting it, I’m feeling numbness again. I’m feeling the heat at the back of my eyes and over my nape. Everything is starting to feel cloudy. Everything is moving around me. And in a few minutes from now, I know I’ll be with my vivid dreams again. Hopefully I’ll have a good one tonight. 

Hopefully I’ll be with someone special even in my dreams.

And everything is moving in motion now

Everything was purposely done

To let every emotion drown in to that city

Where dreams are almost realities

Possibilities are aver changing

Ends shall be nothing 

H: Chicken-in-me

‘H’ is someone special. We met years ago and had an intimate sexual relationship. But it had to stop because I met K. H and I met again after K and I broke up. And we started our sexual intimacy again. What we have was not a relationship. He has a kiddo but is already separated. We often see each other, just for sex and a little chit chat. Until one time, H mentioned that I was the only person he is having an affair right now. But he doesn’t want to brand what we have. He is not capable of starting a relationship since his only focus for now is his kid and his business. But he often says he likes me. Likes me a lot, to a point he thinks he love me. But then again, I am hesitant.

He called earlier, he says he misses me. I guess I miss him as well. But if ever I’ll do it again with him, I guess I want it to be different from what our status was before.

H:  Namimiss na kita ng sobra. Tagal mong ‘di nagpaparamdam sa akin. Ako parati nauuna magparamdam.

Me: A. Sorry. Busy e. Saka galling ako ng mga out of town activities. Saka ayos lang yun, di naman tayo e.

H: Ikaw na napakabusy parati. Di tayo kasi diba nireject mo na ako?

Me: Nireject? Kelan yun?

H: Dati, nung muntik ng may mangyaring masama sa akin kasi di ko maintindihan gusto mo. Di mo ako sineseryoso tuwing sinasabi ko sayo nararamdaman ko.

Me: Huh?! 

H:  Basta, ikaw may ayaw noon. Pero sobrang gustong gusto kita. Ikaw lang naman ang may ayaw. 

Me: A. Naalala ko na. E kasi naman, di ko alam kung kelan ka seryoso, saka wala kaya akong ibang alam sayo bukod sa first name mo at trabaho mo. Sa phone ko nga e nagimbento nalang ako ng surname mo e.

H: This time malalaman mo na lahat. Ako kaya, memorize ko na number mo 0906-5****** Kaya kahit anong phone gamit ko alam ko kung paano kita macontact. 

Me: Wow! Last time na may memorize ng number ko e yung ex ko

H: Di mo pa naman ako ex e. Di mo ko magiging ex.

I guess something’s wrong in me. Why do I always chicken out when someone tries to be intimate with me? I don’t know. I’m sorry H. I know you won’t be able to read this. But I really like you. It’s just, I can’t right now. Not when I know you have to focus with your business and your kiddos studies. Besides, you have no idea about my real status. I’m not even sure if you can accept it. I never want to ruin your big dreams.