Lukso

Ilang beses ko na ring sinubukan at ilang tao na rin ang nagtangkang pumasok sa buhay ko mula nung ako ay naging single. Pero tila napakailap sa akin ng pagkakataon at walang nagtatagumpay. Natanong ko tuloy ang sarili ko:

'Mailap ba talaga ang pagkakataon, o sadyang choosy lang ako?'

Minsang kumakain kami ng aking mga kaibigan ay napagsabihan nila ako na ayusin ko raw ang aking buhay. Makipagdate daw ako. Magkagusto naman daw ako sa ibang tao. Subukan ko muling makipag-attach at magsimula ng relasyon. Sinabi ko sa kanilang sinusubukan ko naman. Kung tutuusin e ginagawa ko na nga, pero sadyang wala parin talaga. Ayaw nila maniwala.

Di lamang isa or dalawa ang sinubukan ko ng i-date. Nag-eenjoy naman ako sa tuwing kasama ko sila. Pero bakit sa tuwing lumalalim na ang pakiramdam ng aking kasama e nawawalan ako ng gana bigla. Hindi ko tuloy maintindihan ang sarili ko. Gusto ko na rin namang magkarelasyon muli pero sa tuwing sinusubukan ko ay palagi na lamang nagiging bigo. Ang ending, nakakapanakit na ako ng damdamin ng iba ng hindi ko sinasadya.

Marahil ay may hinahanap ako. Hindi ko lang alam kung ano. Pero kung magbabalik tanaw ako sa mga nakaraan kong relasyon (mapalalake man o babae), iisa ang bagay na may pagkakatulad sila. Iyon siguro ang hinahanap ko. 

Dahil dito, masasabi kong posible nga talagang magpahinga muna ang puso. Posibleng matulog muli ito ng matagal na panahon hanggang dumating muli ang isang taong gigising nito. Na mayroong mga pagkakataong kahit sabihin mo sa sarili mong ayos naman ang ka-date mo. Kahit tipong wala kang maipintas at halos perpekto na siya at alam na alam mong busilak ang hangarin niyang mahalin ka. Kahit ipagsigawan ng utak mo na ayos naman siya, kapag sinabi ng puso mong 'wala pa, di pa ako handa, di pa ako gumagana' e wala kang magagawa kundi huminto muna.

*******************************************************************************

Baliktanaw.

Kakaibang lukso ng damdamin sa unang pagkikita pa lamang. Iyong tipong magtutugma ang utak at puso mo at sasabihin sa akin na 'magiging parte ito ng buhay ko'. Iyon ang pagkakaparehas nilang lahat. Iyon marahil ang inaantay ko sa ngayon.

Longing

The perfect weather, not so warm, not that cold.

You, standing in front of me, staring right through my soul

Your hands, rough as it is, traces the shape of my face

That smile, almost grinning, but not too much.

Then you kiss me, so warm, so soft.

Passionate and gentle

Full of love and emotions

Promising a brighter tomorrow.

Then I wake up.

Alone, in my room, on my bed.

Rekindling the fondest memory of that special moment,

The passion and intense.

"When will I ever feel it again?", I ask myself.

A kiss so passionate, so loving, yet so gentle.

O yes, I am longing now to be kissed again

When will I ever feel a real kiss again?

Highlights

This entry will serve as a reminder to me of how I survived 2013.

December 2012: 

• We officially broke up on Christmas Eve while I was on work.
•  I moved out of our house.

January 2013: 

• New Year's Eve: We celebrated it together. Fireworks!
• I tried to win you back. Nothing happened.
•  I was a zombie at work. 
• You chose him over me.

February 2013: 

• I decided to end our communication. I never answered your calls, emails nor sms. 
• I was drunk on a daily basis and smoked 2 packs of cigarette a day.
• I went on a vacation to Quezon and Laguna alone. Spent days thinking about what happened.
• I bought a new phone so that I can forget you.
• On the 18th, you messaged me that Oreo was sick and that you rushed him to the vet. I went to see him but I avoided to see you. 
• Communications up between the two of us because of Oreo.
• I met someone this month. We dated several times.

March 2013:

•  Oreo is still admitted. We decided to just bring home Oreo and continue the care there. 
• We had no choice but to live together again for Oreo. We acted as if we're together again, although I know that you and him are still together. 
• You told me that you are already fixing the some papers for a condo unit and that you will be moving out from our house in Parang.

April 2013: 

• We readmitted Oreo again due to continuous bleeding. Doctor told us that we may need surgery already. 
• We decided to bring Oreo back home and continue giving medications while we prepare for the Surgery. 
• There were a lot of sleepless nights for us as we take care of Oreo. 
• You also applied for another promotion and I was there backing you up. I was always there to listen about your rants at work and even help you out with work stuff. 
• We hand in hand processed all papers for the condo unit you just bought. I was there all the way. 
• I was transferred to a different area under a different supervisor.
• I attended my best friends' wedding and you even picked me up after the event.
• Last week of April, we had surgery for Oreo.

May 2013: 

• We are still living together and acted as a couple despite the fact that you and him are still together. I was the original before, yet I am the mistress now. 
• We cleaned up the house in Parang and pack all things. 
• My parents were even helping out in the moving out. 
• The guards in the new unit knew me as one of its new owner. We moved out and started living in the new crib. 
• While you were busy at work, I was busy moving and arranging things in and out of the unit. 
• I closed my doors to all potential dates and suitors. I dedicated my time in fixing the unit.
• I was from night duty when a friend dragged me to take an exam abroad for Oman. Apparently, I passed the exam and she didn't. The day after, I was on my way to a hotel in Roxas Blvd. for my interview. Fortunately, I passed again and my papers were processed. They said that they will contact me again in about four to eight months while they process my papers.
• Had a vacation in Tagaytay and Nasugbu.

June 2013:

•  Are we a couple? Are we back together? Are you and him still together? I kept asking you those questions and yet I got no reply. 
• You enjoy me being there. You even gave me gifts and treat me out for dinner and other surprises. 
• We bought new bed and other house stuff. We were still living together under the same roof. 
• I went to Bicol for vacation with friends and you constantly called to check on me if I am okay. 
• Had a minor vehicular accident in Bicol.
• Right after my vacation, you wanted me to go straight to the unit and stay there instead of me going home to mom. (Of course I did)

July 2013: 

• We are still on the same cycle. 
• Though I started dating some but none of them worked out.
• I still go to your place every time you want me to. We still meet up and go out. 
•  I found a clear evidence that you and him are still together. Decided that this needs to stop. I started to keep my distance from you. 
• Last week of the month, a group of guys found me alone drinking in a bar.

August 2013:

• I started to confront you with issues about us. You said you just want me to be there. Just there and never leave. I was fed up. I asked for a closure. I asked for this to end.
•  I avoided you but you keep on pushing and showing up. You keep on confessing that you love me and that you will be ending what you have with the other guy. 
• We had a closure probably on the third or fourth week of this month. I came from a usual drinking session and I asked you to pick me up at around 3 AM. We talked inside the car until daybreak. You said that you wanted me and that you love me. I told you that there is a lot of wounds to heal for both of us.
• I bought a new phone again.
• I started seeing someone and took him seriously. We started going out for movies and dates.
• I climbed Pico De Loro.

September 2013: 

• You pushed me to the limits. I punched you straight to your face because of your inconsistent lines and stories. We never spoke again since then. 
• He messaged me that he wanted the duplicate keys back. I never gave it back. I ignored his message. I have no plans of seeing him nor talking to him.
• A workmate confessed to me that he is gay. I started to be his big bro in the gay world.
• We climbed Mt. Romelo in Ternate, Cavite. The group was divided into two. Both groups were lost in the woods for almost four hours. We had no light nor water left. I guided the second group during descent. (Prior to climbing Mt. Romelo, I was on a 12 hour night duty, so that will make me up and awake for almost fifty hours)

October 2013:

• Attended a convention for work. A fellow attendee attempted to have sex with me inside the comfort room. We were all drunk. And yes, he is gay; discreet gay just like me. After the near-missed incident, he asked me out several times for dates but I declined it.
• Ex and I never talked again. Though he kept on posting stuff in his Facebook account which is very unusual. He seems to be making papansin according to my workmate. I avoided signing in to Facebook.
• I focused all my attention to work. A lot of tasks were given to me.

November 2013:

• First week was a blast. All work and no play. Seven days straight. Crap.
• Another friend dragged me to an agency in Ortigas for Visa Processing for AU. We were fortunate enough to be selected as possible candidates but we need to take IELTS first. They will be sponsoring the crash course review and the actual exam.
• My friend and I planned the next steps for leaving the country.
• I received a call from my other boss regarding the deployment of Emergency Response for Tacloban. Two days after the Storm Surge, I was sent to Leyte.
• A few hours before my flight to Tacloban, Ex sent me an email with scanned pages of his journal/diary. It depicts his life since January. Words he cannot tell. Things he should have done. And worst, he told me how much he loves me. I was crying in the airport while I am reading it.
• First three days in Tacloban was hell. It is what we call as Ground Zero. No food nor water (Ours were looted and lost in transit) Dead bodies everywhere.
• Stayed in Tacloban for almost two weeks. Realizations are as follows: #1-We should be contented and thankful for what we have. #2-Money cannot buy everything. It is even worthless in times of distress. #3-Life has a lot to offer. You should never give up and you should learn to smile and look at another day with a smile. #4-The Government is never ready for such calamities. It sucks!
• Went back to Manila just before my birthday. Renewed my PRC license and watched Hunger Games alone.
• Ex messaged me a birthday greeting via email. I did the same thing and greeted him back five days after for his birthday.
• I met a guy, let's just call him bunso. He eventually turned out to be a good friend.

December 2013:

• We started the IELTS review and luckily we passed the mock exams. Actual exams will be mid-January 2014.
• I have decided to leave the country for good.
• I went to Baguio for vacation.
• I tried to avoid the idea of being sad and planned a happy Christmas and new year.
• I met someone again this month (not sure yet if it will work out)
• Celebrated Christmas eve at work (I am officially one year single weee!)
• Celebrated New Year's Eve with family. Without Ex of course. Still bought fireworks to cheer up the night.
• I tried to call Ex for the last time but he didn't picked up.

2013 was a mess. But I know 2014 is better! 

I am starting a new. 

Cheers!

The Fifth of December

Dear Sean/K,

The fifth of December marks my last month for staying in agony under your spell. I have barely ten days to celebrate a year of being alone and  roughly a month to completely end this none sense journey without you. Looking back, it was just last September when we completely let go of each other. A not so easy parting since I've been too physical in showing to you how much hurt I've been through. An action that never really haunt me, rather an act of letting go. 

We have been going in circles for the first ten months of the year. You have been testing waters while I brave the strong waves to have you back. It was indeed a rough ride. One thing I am sure of, I don't have anything to regret after this year ends. I've done my part already. The next year will be to start a new beginning.

My life shall go on without you. Though I have to admit it, I still don't know where to start. I have been trying to. Mingling around and meeting people had been a failure. Though some were able to go knock just in front of my door, no one had been successful in having me open it. O, yes. You're probably right. It is still you.

I pray for you that the good Lord guide you forever. May what we shared be a lesson to you. Something you won't forget. Something that will remind you of what a genuine love is. I, on the other hand, will pray to God to give me strength to start a better life. A life full of meaning serving his righteous purpose.

Happy 5th of the month.

Always,

Empire

PS

It never faded nor faltered. It still remains the same.

Impalsib

At dahil wala akong regalo sa sarili ko nung birthday ko..

Oo, minsan ay impulsive shopper ako.

Paminsan lang naman

Pikit mata kong inabot ang pera ko sa kahera. Aw.

Kaya pag nagutom ako ngayong pasko, 

sapatos ang kakainin ko. 

Apir!

Tacloban: Unang Yugto

Mahigit isang linggo na ang nakalilipas mula ng ako ay ipadala sa Tacloban. Isang misyong walang kaabog abog na aking tinanggap sa kabila ng aking hectic na schedule. Kung sabagay, wala naman akong ibang choice kundi pumunta. Kasama ito sa aking dagdag trabaho. Responsibilidad ko ito bilang isang bahagi ng Emergency Response ng Kawani ng Kalusugan.

Alam kong madaming naantig sa mga balita na napapanood sa telebisyon. Maraming naluha sa bawat kwento at litrato na kanilang nakikita. Pero ako na mismo ang magsasabi sa inyo, iba kapag ikaw na ang nasa Tacloban. Para kang nasa Silent Hill o di kaya'y Walking Dead. 

Tacloban Airport. Too bad there's no proper command system for the first few days.

Welcome to the Booming City of Tacloban.

Aerial View of Tacloban

 

 

 

 

Provincial Capitol of Leyte is still standing strong. Though debris of destroyed establishments are seen around the building. FYI: This building used to be the Malacanang Palace way back 1940's

Yes, it's true! Dead people are still everywhere. Lying around the street side or just at any corner.

Siguro, mga Day 3 or 4 kami pagkatapos ng bagyo dumating sa Tacloban. Isa ang team namin sa mga naunang pinadala. Lingid sa kaalaman ng mga nakararami, ang unang team na ipapadala ang sasalo ng pinakamabigat na trabaho. At iyon nga ang dinatnan namin. 

Sa katunayan, dalawang beses na nacancel ang departure date namin. Dapat ay Sabado pa lamang ay naroon na kami. Nakakatawa mang isipin pero nadelay ang aming pagalis ng dahil sa C130. Oo. Mismong ang Health Team ng Kagawaran ng Kalusugan ay di binigyang priority na sumakay sa C130. E kung si Sec. Dinky Soliman nga ay bumubula ang bibig dahil maski siya ay tinanggal sa listahan ng mga sasakay roon. Hay. Nakakatawa talaga ang National Government natin.

Hindi ito C130. Isa ito sa mga Military Plane ng Estados Unidos. Bumibiyahe ito oras oras para ilabas ang mga tao palabas ng Tacloban patungong Cebu.

Tatlong araw. Tatlong araw kaming walang pagkain at inumin. Bakit? Nakakalungkot isipin na ang mismong package ng Kawani ng Kalusugan ay nawala. Nabuhay kami sa paginom mula sa mga buko na nakikitang nakakalat sa paligid. Pinagtiyagaan naming magbigay ng lunas sa mga naroon ng walang laman ang tiyan. Tanging tawa at biruan na lamang ang aming ginawa. Dumating naman ang package namin, siguro mga dalawang araw bago kami umalis. Ang masakit nito ay bukas na ang aming mga kahon. Nabawasan ang laman. Nawawala ang mga laman. Di namin alam kung sino ang sisisihin sa mga nangyari. Kung nakanino ang kakulangan. Hayaan na lamang natin. Nakaraos naman kami.

Isang bagong panganak na sanggol. Walang kamuwangmuwang sa nangyaring delubyo.

Sa kabila ng bagyong dumating, parang bagyo rin naman ang dating ng mga bagong paslit sa amin. Humigit kumulang sampu hanggang labinlimang bata ang ipinapanganak sa lugar bawat araw sa aming kinalalagyan. Walang nursery o di kaya'y kuryente upang magsilbing warmer para sa kanila. Sa kabuuan ng sampung araw na inilagi namin roon, mahigit pitong bagong panganak rin ang pumanaw. Masasabi kong maswerte na sila, kesa naman danasin nila ang hirap ng pagbangon muli ng Tacloban.

Chapel: Nagsilbing Nursery ng mga bata. Ang mga pasyenteng malapit sa altar ang mga batang nangangailangan ng matinding atensyong medikal. Humigit kumulang 80 na bagong panganak ang pasyente ko sa chapel.

 

 

 

 

#Bored

I'm on leave and got nothing to do.
Got no where to go.

Crap.
Let's get out.
Join me.