Sleepless Thoughts I

Everything is fast paced. It's like everything is being rushed. Deadlines are set. Targets should be accomplished. Days have been marked. Was it too fast? Am I really doing this?

My decision to move out of the country was prompted because of our break up. I needed a new environment to start all over again. I was even enthusiastic with the thought of working on a different country, meeting new people, earning more and being independent. I immediately processed my papers to anywhere possible. I started to plan my career change and even pictured a happy me on a different place. Excited with the change is what I should be feeling now. Rather, I feel confused. I feel all alone again.

I barely have an hour to sleep before I start preparing for today's work. But Mr. Sandman forgot to whisk his sleeping dust over me leaving me awake for almost 18 hours now. And since I cannot force myself to sleep, my mind played his tricks on me again. I have a heavy lump on my throat and a big burden on my chest. 

"It's too fast", I said to myself.

 "Is it?", I asked again.

I guess I just needed someone right now. Someone who can calm me. Who can tell me to pause for a while. To tell me that everything will be okay. To tell me that no matter what happens, he/she will be there for me. I guess I needed affection. I need someone who can hold my hand and say nothing, yet make me feel that I am not alone in this game. I need someone to hug me tight right now so I can jump into a world full of dreams. 

I don't necessarily miss him. I miss what people with relationships do for each other. 

PS.

There was one time before when I hadn't had sleep and needed to go to work. He told me not to force myself to go on duty. And that's the first time I incurred an absence. He went home to me and I slept on his arms.