The Fifth of December

Dear Sean/K,

The fifth of December marks my last month for staying in agony under your spell. I have barely ten days to celebrate a year of being alone and  roughly a month to completely end this none sense journey without you. Looking back, it was just last September when we completely let go of each other. A not so easy parting since I've been too physical in showing to you how much hurt I've been through. An action that never really haunt me, rather an act of letting go. 

We have been going in circles for the first ten months of the year. You have been testing waters while I brave the strong waves to have you back. It was indeed a rough ride. One thing I am sure of, I don't have anything to regret after this year ends. I've done my part already. The next year will be to start a new beginning.

My life shall go on without you. Though I have to admit it, I still don't know where to start. I have been trying to. Mingling around and meeting people had been a failure. Though some were able to go knock just in front of my door, no one had been successful in having me open it. O, yes. You're probably right. It is still you.

I pray for you that the good Lord guide you forever. May what we shared be a lesson to you. Something you won't forget. Something that will remind you of what a genuine love is. I, on the other hand, will pray to God to give me strength to start a better life. A life full of meaning serving his righteous purpose.

Happy 5th of the month.

Always,

Empire

PS

It never faded nor faltered. It still remains the same.

Impalsib

At dahil wala akong regalo sa sarili ko nung birthday ko..

Oo, minsan ay impulsive shopper ako.

Paminsan lang naman

Pikit mata kong inabot ang pera ko sa kahera. Aw.

Kaya pag nagutom ako ngayong pasko, 

sapatos ang kakainin ko. 

Apir!

Tacloban: Unang Yugto

Mahigit isang linggo na ang nakalilipas mula ng ako ay ipadala sa Tacloban. Isang misyong walang kaabog abog na aking tinanggap sa kabila ng aking hectic na schedule. Kung sabagay, wala naman akong ibang choice kundi pumunta. Kasama ito sa aking dagdag trabaho. Responsibilidad ko ito bilang isang bahagi ng Emergency Response ng Kawani ng Kalusugan.

Alam kong madaming naantig sa mga balita na napapanood sa telebisyon. Maraming naluha sa bawat kwento at litrato na kanilang nakikita. Pero ako na mismo ang magsasabi sa inyo, iba kapag ikaw na ang nasa Tacloban. Para kang nasa Silent Hill o di kaya'y Walking Dead. 

Tacloban Airport. Too bad there's no proper command system for the first few days.

Welcome to the Booming City of Tacloban.

Aerial View of Tacloban

 

 

 

 

Provincial Capitol of Leyte is still standing strong. Though debris of destroyed establishments are seen around the building. FYI: This building used to be the Malacanang Palace way back 1940's

Yes, it's true! Dead people are still everywhere. Lying around the street side or just at any corner.

Siguro, mga Day 3 or 4 kami pagkatapos ng bagyo dumating sa Tacloban. Isa ang team namin sa mga naunang pinadala. Lingid sa kaalaman ng mga nakararami, ang unang team na ipapadala ang sasalo ng pinakamabigat na trabaho. At iyon nga ang dinatnan namin. 

Sa katunayan, dalawang beses na nacancel ang departure date namin. Dapat ay Sabado pa lamang ay naroon na kami. Nakakatawa mang isipin pero nadelay ang aming pagalis ng dahil sa C130. Oo. Mismong ang Health Team ng Kagawaran ng Kalusugan ay di binigyang priority na sumakay sa C130. E kung si Sec. Dinky Soliman nga ay bumubula ang bibig dahil maski siya ay tinanggal sa listahan ng mga sasakay roon. Hay. Nakakatawa talaga ang National Government natin.

Hindi ito C130. Isa ito sa mga Military Plane ng Estados Unidos. Bumibiyahe ito oras oras para ilabas ang mga tao palabas ng Tacloban patungong Cebu.

Tatlong araw. Tatlong araw kaming walang pagkain at inumin. Bakit? Nakakalungkot isipin na ang mismong package ng Kawani ng Kalusugan ay nawala. Nabuhay kami sa paginom mula sa mga buko na nakikitang nakakalat sa paligid. Pinagtiyagaan naming magbigay ng lunas sa mga naroon ng walang laman ang tiyan. Tanging tawa at biruan na lamang ang aming ginawa. Dumating naman ang package namin, siguro mga dalawang araw bago kami umalis. Ang masakit nito ay bukas na ang aming mga kahon. Nabawasan ang laman. Nawawala ang mga laman. Di namin alam kung sino ang sisisihin sa mga nangyari. Kung nakanino ang kakulangan. Hayaan na lamang natin. Nakaraos naman kami.

Isang bagong panganak na sanggol. Walang kamuwangmuwang sa nangyaring delubyo.

Sa kabila ng bagyong dumating, parang bagyo rin naman ang dating ng mga bagong paslit sa amin. Humigit kumulang sampu hanggang labinlimang bata ang ipinapanganak sa lugar bawat araw sa aming kinalalagyan. Walang nursery o di kaya'y kuryente upang magsilbing warmer para sa kanila. Sa kabuuan ng sampung araw na inilagi namin roon, mahigit pitong bagong panganak rin ang pumanaw. Masasabi kong maswerte na sila, kesa naman danasin nila ang hirap ng pagbangon muli ng Tacloban.

Chapel: Nagsilbing Nursery ng mga bata. Ang mga pasyenteng malapit sa altar ang mga batang nangangailangan ng matinding atensyong medikal. Humigit kumulang 80 na bagong panganak ang pasyente ko sa chapel.

 

 

 

 

#Bored

I'm on leave and got nothing to do.
Got no where to go.

Crap.
Let's get out.
Join me.

Email 2

This is the last part of the 16 pages attachment he sent to me.

Some parts were not included. 

The darkened portion shows my name.

Email

Sean's email hours before I board my plane ride to Tacloban, Leyte

I have been reading this several times already. 

I can't decipher anything from it.

I don't know what this is up to. 

What happens next?

Unexpected

I received an email from Ex (Sean) just a a few hours before boarding my flight to Leyte. -- How should I react? What should I feel?

Call of Duty

I will be leaving in one to two days from now. 

I need to go to where Typhoon Yolanda just left.

All my plans for the week has been cancelled.

My vacation to Baguio will be postponed as well.

I haven't had a decent rest day for six days already.

But I can't complain.

We need to be there.

 Call of Duty.

Sleepless Thoughts I

Everything is fast paced. It's like everything is being rushed. Deadlines are set. Targets should be accomplished. Days have been marked. Was it too fast? Am I really doing this?

My decision to move out of the country was prompted because of our break up. I needed a new environment to start all over again. I was even enthusiastic with the thought of working on a different country, meeting new people, earning more and being independent. I immediately processed my papers to anywhere possible. I started to plan my career change and even pictured a happy me on a different place. Excited with the change is what I should be feeling now. Rather, I feel confused. I feel all alone again.

I barely have an hour to sleep before I start preparing for today's work. But Mr. Sandman forgot to whisk his sleeping dust over me leaving me awake for almost 18 hours now. And since I cannot force myself to sleep, my mind played his tricks on me again. I have a heavy lump on my throat and a big burden on my chest. 

"It's too fast", I said to myself.

 "Is it?", I asked again.

I guess I just needed someone right now. Someone who can calm me. Who can tell me to pause for a while. To tell me that everything will be okay. To tell me that no matter what happens, he/she will be there for me. I guess I needed affection. I need someone who can hold my hand and say nothing, yet make me feel that I am not alone in this game. I need someone to hug me tight right now so I can jump into a world full of dreams. 

I don't necessarily miss him. I miss what people with relationships do for each other. 

PS.

There was one time before when I hadn't had sleep and needed to go to work. He told me not to force myself to go on duty. And that's the first time I incurred an absence. He went home to me and I slept on his arms.

Good Call

My decision to punch you was a good call. It's been more than a month or two since we last saw and talked to each other. I was initially worrying about what a friend told me that you might play the guilt-trip on. Good thing it didn't happened.

We never talked after that. And its a taste of fresh air. I'm not receiving any calls nor updates from you. You are starting to be out of my system. Out of my life. It should have been this way since the day you chose him over me. Everything should have been a breeze. 

I feel no regret now. I am starting to see the one single road branching out. And I am starting to feel that I am able to move from where you left me. I am feeling good about it. Feeling optimistic about everything. I am able to wake up every morning with a smile not just on my face, but a smile in my heart.

Thank you for everything. You know who you are. It has been a rough ride for both of us. But everything should at least come to an end. 

I still have a few months left for me to fully regain the lost self. I can't wait for 2013 to end. This year has been rough for both of us. I know that 2014 will be different. It will be better.

And just in case we meet again, I won't punch you. I'll walk past you and just stab you with a knife at the back. Just kidding.

Cheers to life!

Lost

Creeping out. 

Walking smoothly.

I stumble again.

Barely standing.

Crumbling still.

Losing direction.

Gaits a mess.

Losing hope.

Finding a light.

Forgetting everything.

Forgiving.

Moving.

Breathing.

Redirecting.

Praying for something.

Accepting.

Tomorrow I shall be smiling.