H: Chicken-in-me

‘H’ is someone special. We met years ago and had an intimate sexual relationship. But it had to stop because I met K. H and I met again after K and I broke up. And we started our sexual intimacy again. What we have was not a relationship. He has a kiddo but is already separated. We often see each other, just for sex and a little chit chat. Until one time, H mentioned that I was the only person he is having an affair right now. But he doesn’t want to brand what we have. He is not capable of starting a relationship since his only focus for now is his kid and his business. But he often says he likes me. Likes me a lot, to a point he thinks he love me. But then again, I am hesitant.

He called earlier, he says he misses me. I guess I miss him as well. But if ever I’ll do it again with him, I guess I want it to be different from what our status was before.

H:  Namimiss na kita ng sobra. Tagal mong ‘di nagpaparamdam sa akin. Ako parati nauuna magparamdam.

Me: A. Sorry. Busy e. Saka galling ako ng mga out of town activities. Saka ayos lang yun, di naman tayo e.

H: Ikaw na napakabusy parati. Di tayo kasi diba nireject mo na ako?

Me: Nireject? Kelan yun?

H: Dati, nung muntik ng may mangyaring masama sa akin kasi di ko maintindihan gusto mo. Di mo ako sineseryoso tuwing sinasabi ko sayo nararamdaman ko.

Me: Huh?! 

H:  Basta, ikaw may ayaw noon. Pero sobrang gustong gusto kita. Ikaw lang naman ang may ayaw. 

Me: A. Naalala ko na. E kasi naman, di ko alam kung kelan ka seryoso, saka wala kaya akong ibang alam sayo bukod sa first name mo at trabaho mo. Sa phone ko nga e nagimbento nalang ako ng surname mo e.

H: This time malalaman mo na lahat. Ako kaya, memorize ko na number mo 0906-5****** Kaya kahit anong phone gamit ko alam ko kung paano kita macontact. 

Me: Wow! Last time na may memorize ng number ko e yung ex ko

H: Di mo pa naman ako ex e. Di mo ko magiging ex.

I guess something’s wrong in me. Why do I always chicken out when someone tries to be intimate with me? I don’t know. I’m sorry H. I know you won’t be able to read this. But I really like you. It’s just, I can’t right now. Not when I know you have to focus with your business and your kiddos studies. Besides, you have no idea about my real status. I’m not even sure if you can accept it. I never want to ruin your big dreams.