Nagmumurang Kamias

Kamakailan lamang e wala sa utak ko ang pakikipagrelasyon. Wala pa rin naman siya hanggang ngayon. Pero bakit ganun, mukha akong tanga. Bigla akong kinikilig sa tuwing kausap ka. Dati naman ay deadma lang kita, pero ngayon, ewan, para akong PBB teens na napapangiti habang kausap ka. Napapansin na nga ng mga kaibigan ko na panay raw ata ang hawak ko sa cellphone ko ngayon. At nag-effort pa akong magregister sa unlimited service ng globe para sayo. Bakit ba?! E sa natutuwa ako bigla.

Me: Pauwi palang ako.

Him: Ingat hubby ko..

Me: Hehe salamat dear

  

Ang tagal rin nitong wala a.

Ang tagal ko ring hindi kinilig.

Fumi-feeling bata.

*ngising aso*

: )

PS

Dahil wala na akong sosyal na telepono e di makapag-screenshot ng usap namin. Hihi. *kilig*

Sleepless Thoughts 3

Today it felt like the reality has been slapped on my face several times. I want to break down and cry. I want an end to this. I want to vanish.
 

A delayed reaction on what is happening right now. Help me. 

I feel so alone and confused. I am afraid of what will tomorrow bring. I am uncertain if I can still continue my profession. I am not sure if anyone can accept me with my condition right now. 

Where did all the emotions came from? I don't know. It must have been suppressed since January. The famous rash was another culprit. Though according to Local Statistics, 58% of those taking the medication experienced the famous rash, I was praying it won't happen to me, but it did. And because of it, I will be starting on a different combination now. The combination I feared due to its effects. Dizziness, depression, vivid dreams. Most say that the first few months will be a living disaster. Most were not even able to function properly at work. This shouldn't happen. My profession calls for my sound judgement. I am working on a shifting schedule for God's sake. I am handling lives of sick people.

I just feel helpless right now. I wish I have someone to lean on. Someone who'll just stay beside me right now while I wait for the effects of my new medication to kick in. Someone who'll hug me tight while I have my vivid dreams.

Unfortunately, there is no one. 

PS

I already emailed ex last week that I have something to tell him. And if he isn't available, we can just exchange emails instead. He agreed on the latter. I haven't sent him a new mail. I don't think I can do it right now. Not when depression is easily triggered by my new medication. I'll get back to him soon once I have adjusted.

Cheers.

Laro ng Tadhana

(Ang lathang ito ay sinulat ko noong Pebrero2014)

Bata pa lang ako ng basahin ang kapalaran ko ng kapitbahay naming manghuhula. Batid niya na mapalad raw ako sapagkat hugis diyamante ang nakikita niya sa aking palad. Maganda raw ang hinaharap ko, subalit ang tanging habilin niya ay matutunan kong kontrolin ang aking emosyon. Partikular niyang tinukoy ang Galit at Poot na sadyang masama para sa akin. Maaari raw akong makagawa ng di kanaisnais na bagay.

Nakapagtapos ako ng kolehiyo. Ilang araw pa lamang matapos ang board exams namin ay nakahanap na ako ng trabaho. Guminhawa ang buhay namin noon dahil narin sa laki ng sinasahod ko. Dito ko nakilala ang unang lalaking naging parte ng buhay ko. Kilala ako ng pamilya niya. Madalas nga ay doon na ako umuuwi sa kanila at naiiwanan kong magisa ang aking nanay sa bahay. Ngunit tulad ng nakararami sa mga relasyon, ang aming kuwento ay naputol. Tatlong taon ako noon sa kompanyang unang bumuhay sa akin. Tatlong taon rin kami ng unang lalaki sa buhay ko. 

Inudyok ako ng aking matalik na babaeng kaibigan na magbalik loob sa propesyon ko. Tinulungan niya akong makapagtraining sa ospital. Bilang matalik na kaibigan mula noong hayskul, pinangakuan ako ng kaniyang ama na tutulungang makapag-nars. Makalipas ang mahigit walong buwang walang trabaho, nakapasok ako sa isa sa mga pampublikong ospital sa siyudad. Ang sahod, 'di man kasing taas ng sa nauna kong trabaho, pero mapagtitiyagaan na. 

Sa panahong ito ko nakilala ang pangalawang lalakeng naging parte ng buhay ko. Nagkakilala kami sa isang sikat na online website para sa mga tulad ko. Nagpangakuan na di kailanman maghihiwalay. Nagsimulang magplano para sa aming kinabukasan. Ngunit nagising na lamang ako isang araw na may kaulayaw na siyang iba. Ipinaglaban ko ang aming relasyon ngunit ako rin ang napagod ng 'di ko maintindihan ang takbo ng utak niya. Mahal niya raw ako ngunit di niya maiwan ang bago niya. Ako na mismo ang lumayo at nagparaya. 

Pinilit kong ayusin ang buhay ko ng nawala siya. Aaminin kong isa akong hamak na basahan na walang pakinabang nung ako'y kaniyang iniwan. Walang direksyon, walang patutunguhan. Sa tulong ng aking mga kaibigan ay napagdesisyunan kong mangibang bayan. Tutal, sobra sobra pa ang experience ko sa kinakailangan ng mga employer kaya kumpyansa akong matatanggap. Sabi ko nga, kung noong 2012 at 2013 ay naging napakagulo ng aking buhay, ngayong 2014 ay magbabago ang lahat.

Enero ng taong ito, naglakas loob ako na magpasuri. Uunahan ko na ang embassy at aalamin kung ayos ang aking pangangatawan. Ikatlong linggo ng Enero, bandang alas-nuebe ng gabi, matapos ang mahigit tatlumpung minutong pagantay ay nalaman ko ang resulta na babago na naman sa aking buhay.

Reactive.

Hindi ako umiyak. Bagkus, sigarilyo ang una kong hinanap. Putragis na yan. Reactive ako. At ayon sa statistics ay lahat ng reactive ay positive. Kinlaro ko ito sa kausap kong doktor. Ang tanging tugon niya sa akin ay 

'parehas tayong asa linya ng healthcare, di na ako magsisinungaling. ayokong magbigay ng false hopes pero kapag reactive, ibig sabihin na rin ay positive'

Ngayon, ang tanong ko ay bakit ganoon? Kung kailan inaayos ko na ang buhay ko. Kung kailan umasa akong magiging iba ang 2014. Bakit sa unang buwan pa lamang ay ganito na ang balita. Asan na ang hula na maswerte raw ako. Naglaho na lamang ba bigla?

Sleepless Thoughts 2

I can't sleep. My mind is clouded with things that I am not fully aware of. Until one thought suddenly emerged out of the darkness causing me to light up a stick of cigar to drown my self to solitude.

'Je t'aime encore'

Shit.

Challenges

Ironic, that I as a health care provider hates taking medications. Even its simplest form such as supplements and vitamins. During times that I am feverish or has colds, I would refuse to take it and would just rely on water therapy and an increase intake of fruits. I can still recall how my previous partner forced medications to my mouth if I feel sick. He would put the pill straight to my mouth even if it was just vitamins. That is how much I hate taking it. My previous partner was the one good at it as he religiously swallows it at the exact time it should be taken, I on the other hand was his total opposite. 

Now that he is gone and a lot of things has changed already. I am taking up the challenge alone of having not just one, but two pills twice a day. It is not just for a single week, not for a month, but for a lifetime. My new elixir. My spinach. My new life saver. How can I do it? I don't know?! 

I had my dry run of taking medications last month. It was partly successful that I was able to consume one whole bottle of ascorbic acid, ingesting two tablets on a daily basis. The failure then was with the multivitamins, I usually skip the dose or even forget to take it. I know it shouldn't be like this since the two shall be part of my daily cocktail forever. Without those two supplements, I may not be able to face every challenge at work. I will not have any defense against the deadly pathogens in my area. 

And so today, I went to the mall and looked for something that might help me with my dilemma. I bought these two medication organizers. These two shall be my new best friends. They shall be my new confidante and my life-long buddies. You will forever be with me and we shall never be apart. (I am actually enjoying the cool colors of the canisters and its added functionality of having separate storage space! And what's great about it is that I bought it for only Eighty-eight pesos each!)

Tomorrow (Friday) night, I shall get my first fill of life-savers. It is only for a week's supply since I will need to monitor for any side effects or adverse reactions (I hope I won't have any). I even went to St. Jude earlier to ask for guidance with my medications. I asked him for Courage and Wisdom. Courage that I may take the pill religiously. Courage that I can overcome any reactions that my body shall deal with. Courage that once I have adjusted with my medication, I can tell my previous partner about my condition (He of course deserves to know). And finally Wisdom, that I shall know the right words to tell him. Wisdom to know what is right from wrong. Wisdom to deal with this new chapter of my life.

On Saturday morning, I shall start a brand new day and I know that courage and wisdom shall be upon me to face this new challenge of life.

Cheers!

Vacation Leave!!

Dahil pinayuhan ako ni Doc na magbakasyon muna bago magsimula sa tedious medication! Hala! Sige! Boracay-Davao here I come! Pakalasing daw muna ako sabi ni Doc! Hehe. Weeee!

Worries and God

Christ the King Church, E. Rodriguez Sr. Blvd. QC

Worry not for tomorrow. 

Focus on what is today.

That is just how it should be because God knows that we can handle what we have today. 

He does not want us to worry too much for tomorrow because he will never abandon us.

 Leave your worries behind and trust him.

Seek his kingdom first and you shall find answers to your questions.

 (Today's Homily)

Greener Pastures

'Pwedeng pwede ka na magabroad o, ang tagal mo na sa trabaho mo', Mom said.

I never imagined working abroad. I just love my life here. 

It was my first partner who asked me if I want to settle for greener pastures. He kept on asking me to process my papers to Middle East (it was easy to go there 5 or 6 years ago) and we'll start saving up money for our future. I never liked his idea. Though I haven't told him, but I never pictured out my future with him. So after almost three years of relationship, we broke up. 

After the break up, I decided to start my career in the healthcare field. Still, when asked by my colleagues about my plans in going abroad, I just tell them that I'm happy with my life here and never will I leave the country even if it is almost four times of what I am earning here. Everything changed when I met my second partner. We planned our future together, including plans of moving out of the country and settling in Canada via the Common Partner Law. Surprisingly, I agreed to the idea and we started collecting and saving our documents together as it deemed necessary that we have proof of our steady relationship. Things changed when after two years, we broke up.

So for the first time, I decided on my own to leave the country and start a new life. The break up was so shattering that I just wanted to leave immediately. I needed a new environment to start all over again. Plus the fact that I don't see any career growth as a government nurse here in the country. The decision was clear then, leave now! And so I processed my papers abroad. I tried Middle East, Australia and Canada. Fortunately, I passed Middle East however I retracted my papers when I found out about the small salary. Australia was my next target but I needed more than a million to process everything. I was left with Canada as my final option. Things were flowing smoothly, I was assessed and passed the screening with flying colors. My parents were more than excited with my decision. I am ecstatic as well, I will be earning big time and I can provide more for the family. 

Until one day, a very alarming news was unfolded.
Everything shattered again in to pieces and I felt lost again.
I can no longer work abroad.
Shit really happens.